STOP WORK IMMEDIATELY!

City of Sweaty Falls

Inga Studtmeier, Mayor
Frank Botulism, Commissioner of Planning and Development
STOP WORK ORDER 
DOCKET #2012-HX-0728

From:  Sweaty Falls Department of Planning and Development

To:       Playa De La Quesadilla Beach Club and Resort

Re:       Unauthorized and Unregulated Waterfront Construction Commencing on July  3, 2012

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

This order to STOP WORK IMMEDIATELY is being issued to PLAYA DE LA QUESADILLA BEACH CLUB AND RESORT, LLC regarding the following complaint.

BACKGROUND

At or about 2:00pm on Tuesday, July  3, 2012, inspectors from the Department of Planning and Development responded to a complaint from a guest on the Company’s beachfront property.  Reporting to the scene, the inspectors found the following violations:

  1. Building of structure in violation of waterfront regulations.  Several construction workers were witnessed in the process of erecting unauthorized structures approximately 10 to 15 feet from the mean low water mark.  The structures, which were approximately 6 to 12 inches tall, included several towers and conical structures encircled by a moat and seawall.  Erection of these structures was approximately 5 to 10 feet below the mean high tide line.  If inhabited, these structures would pose an immediate and mortal hazard to its occupants.  In addition, the moat is a nonstandard design element which would require further review from the Planning and Development Commission.
  2. Violation of height and setback regulations.  Although some of the structures do, in fact meet such regulations – the inspectors in particular noted the graceful lines of the pyramid atop the central tower – the development contains numerous examples of structures which block all sunlight from the surrounding spaces, such as the upside-down cylindrical structure which tapers at the base.  The inclusion of a smiling Lego construction worker standing on the roof does nothing to mitigate this deficiency.
  3. Violation of zoning regulations.  Although built to a far smaller scale than most surrounding structures (see Violation 4 below), the density of this new development far exceeds the surrounding RR-2 district.  In fact, it slightly exceeds the CR-6 densities authorized in downtown Sweaty Falls.  Allowance of a second downtown core within the city boundaries would signify a major policy shift that the current administration is not prepared to take, especially in light of the City’s continuing efforts to revitalize the existing commercial core.  It would also require significant consultation with local public utilities, along with the Sweaty Falls Transit Authority to determine whether the capital and operating costs of extending bus service to this community can be justified.
  4. Violation of City Building Code.  Regardless of their location, the structures were unfit for human habitation, falling approximately 98 percent short of minimum ceiling height and floor space requirements.  Said dwellings also lacked sufficient light and ventilation, and were not equipped with running hot water, electricity, or gas.
  5. Impeding of sight lines.  Construction of these dwellings began, unannounced, approximately 5 feet seaward of two sunbathers who had recently settled on property with an unobstructed ocean view.  Construction of these structures impeded said view and resulted in significant dimunition of their property.  Debris kicked up by the construction also resulted in a significant dimunition of their sandwiches.
  6. Use of substandard construction materials.  In lieu of wood frames, rebar, concrete, brick, mortar or steel, the construction crew appeared to be using sand.  One laborer would periodically venture into the ocean and return to the site with wet sand.   This material does not supply sufficient structural reinforcement to meet minimum occupancy standards.
  7. Use of substandard construction equipment.  In a similar vein, most of the construction crew’s equipment appeared composed of bright yellow, green, pink, and blue pails, shovels and plastic molding.  Leveling of flat sections of the property was made both by hand and with the assistance of a green Fisher-Price Made By Me Stamp ‘n’ Store Roller, valued at $5.99.  Both Violations 6 and 7 are egregious breaches of minimum construction equipment safety standards, and we have notified OSHA of these conditions.
  8. Use of child labor.  Under special and highly restricted circumstances, youths aged 14 to 17 are permitted by the state to participate in manual construction labor.  The average age of the laborers used for this project was 6.  The state’s Child Labor and Orphan Control Act of 1915 expressly forbids the use of laborers of this age, with the punishment being immediate electrocution, followed by death and additional strangulation of property owners permitting this activity.
  9. Lack of sufficient protective gear.  Said laborers were wearing bathing suits.  One appeared to wearing a Dora The Explorer bathing suit.  This does not qualify as safe or acceptable protection.  For example, not one of the laborers was wearing steel-toed work boots.
  10. Lack of environmental review.  In direct violation of the National Environmental Policy Act of 1969, this structure has not undergone an environmental review of any sort.  The penalty for violating this order is to conduct two environmental reviews the next time the developer wishes to undertake a project.
  11. Lack of building permit and Planning and Development Commission authorization.  The development has not undergone even the most minimal review by the Commission staff.  Had the developers of this property bothered followed the law, construction could have commenced as early as December.

Therefore, under penalty of destruction of you and your relatives, the PLAYA DE LA QUESADILLA BEACH CLUB AND RESORT, LLC is ordered to STOP WORK IMMEDIATELY on this project.

Frank Botulism

Commissioner

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One Comment on “STOP WORK IMMEDIATELY!”

  1. bethlebowitz July 6, 2012 at 12:08 pm #

    Hilarious and oh so true. I especially liked the detail about the lack of the protective clothing among the construction workers and the obscuring of sight lines and the resulting loss in value of property located upland.

    Like

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